:: ball talk ::

Enough with obscure analysis, enough with VORP and SNWAR, enough with scouring the ESPN news wires for morsels of a story; it's time for some fluff. And so I present this year's submission for baseball's top 10 gay icons.

Some of these guys are eye candy, some are pioneers, and some are Roberto Alomar. This isn't my list of who I think is hot in the game. This isn't a list of who is or isn't gay. It's just a list of some of the people both inside and outside of the game of baseball who have touched the gay community.

10. Ugueth Urbina

The Gun Slinger sneaks onto this list after helping the Phlorida Phish to their second World Championship in the past seven years. My roommate (Engaged White Female) doesn't know his name, but repeatedly commented on Ugie's "sexy lips" throughout the playoffs. But for us gay folks, it was a kiss that sealed the deal. Treating your audience to almost nightly pecks on your catcher's cheek will bring all sorts of guns out of their holsters.

9. Mike Piazza

Is he or isn't he? I know one thing for sure here at ball talk: he isn't. A natural blond, that is. So what if he dyes his hair, paints his fingernails, and hangs out with Alf? That's not reason enough to hold a press conference to declare a healthy hankerin' for womankind, is it? Some might say the lady doth protest too much...

8. Barry Zito

Unconfirmed rumor: this free-thinking surfer dude is a big hit with the lesbians. Could this be due to an uncanny resemblance to the chick who sings "Constant Craving"?

7. Dave Pallone

Pete Rose gave him a little push, and MLB gave him the boot, but Pallone took the final steps out of the closet all by himself. Outing himself in an autobiography published in 1990, Pallone has found a new career in diversity training. At least Pallone's moved on from the Rose incident; poor Pete appears to have kept up all his bad habits.

6. Roberto Alomar

Alomar had a wee mustache in his youth, and later sported full-on beards, most notably tennis star Mary Pierce. So who was that gay Met that Valentine was supposedly trying to protect? Ladies-man Mike grabbed all the press, but here's thinking the man at the keystone was a better suspect.

5. Billy Bean

No OBP-obsessed assistants. No Moneyball props. And no "e" in that last name. Baseball's other Billy B. spent his career in the closet, even playing in a game immediately following his first lover's death because he was too scared to ask for leave. Bean wasn't going to go through that again, and left a mediocre career in baseball to live with his boyfriend in Miami. He's the current Dean of Out Gay Professional Baseball Players. Not that he has any competition, being the only out player alive.

4. Glenn Burke

If Bean is the Dean, then Burke is the Founding Father. Often credited for inventing the "high five" when greeting Dusty Baker at home plate following a Baker home run in 1977, Burke contributed a much greater good to society when he became the first former player to acknowledge his homosexuality in 1982. His career was over, and sadly his life soon spiraled out of control. Drug addiction, prison, and homelessness awaited this ground-breaker, who died of AIDS in 1995.

3. Brady Anderson

The following three on this list are really a tie. They're all considered lookers; it's just a matter of your tastes.

Brady Anderson could walk down 23rd Street in Manhattan and no one would bat an eye. He simply is a Chelsea Boy. Whether he's really gay or not is another story, but I'll tell you this: if he had spent as much time working on his batting stroke as he did posing for photographers, his fluke 1996 season might not have looked so out of place with the rest of his career.

2. Ken Caminiti

If you like stocky furballs, Caminiti is probably your cup of tea. One time I was chatting online with a potential date, and when I brought up my passion for baseball, he exclaimed, "I once saw Caminiti come onto the field after a game without his shirt on! I almost wet myself!" I am tall, lean, and the very opposite of hairy. Needless to say, the date never materialized.

1. Gabe Kapler

Gabe, the Babe, is the definition of "Muscle Queen." Kapler is regularly featured in muscle mags -- several of which have a large gay following. Not only does he put his muscles on display, but he also apparently likes to show off his, ahem, other assets. And yet Gabe had this to say in an interview with the Atlanta Journal-Constitution (AJC) last year:

AJC: Didja know you were a gay icon?

GK: No, really?

AJC: Yeah, you should check out www.outsports.com (a site for gay sports fans). You're very popular.

GK: That's funny . . . no, I did not know that.

The interviewer later said that Kapler's responses were not sarcastic; rather, he was either genuinely surprised or was feigning ignorance.

Dear Gabe,

When you do a nearly nude photo spread in which the only thing you wear is a pair of shorts so tight I can see veins, many people will think you are hot. Both women and men. But you know that already. You just need to embrace your status as 'icon' with us gay-lings.

Come march in our parades! Show up at our rallies! Make a guest appearance on Queer Eye!

And if you want to keep doing photo spreads, that's probably okay with us, too.

XOXO, Alex